New Mailing Addres/Zip Code for Guantanamo Bay Residents Recently Discovered in Top Secret Documents Found at High Ranking Official's House

 Residents of GTMO recently began using a new FPO address/zip code for their mail.  However when residents attempted to update the many internet sites that provide them life support, they found that none of the sites would take the new address.  Apparently the new address had not yet been shared with these life supporting vendors and residents actually found out the top secret information before anyone else did for the first time since Edward Snowden shared a few tidbits with some Commie newspaper organizations.  Needless to say businesses were up in arms.  Amazon and other life supporting vendors demanded that the FBI get to the bottom of this snafu as soon as possible.  As the FBI began investigating, they discovered a treasure trove of top secret documents had been misplaced from the National Archives.  These documents included the announcement for businesses to update the FPO address of GTMO.  Fortunately for Guantanamigans, the announcement had been declassified about 12 - 18 months ago and no one bothered to tell the life supporting businesses about the change.  When we interviewed a GTMO resident about the whole situation, he said, "This explains the situation with Subway's inventory.  We all wondered why they put the sign on all their doors about how they had run out of inventory.  Hopefully the Post Office can now get it to them so they can reopen soon.  I miss my Turkey and American on Rye."

GTMO Hospital Clarifies Its Medevac Requirements for Residents

In an ongoing effort to improve services to the remote community of Guantanamo Bay Naval Station, the Naval Station GTMO hospital published a list of what they considered routine/elective versus acute/urgent procedures.  A spokesperson for the hospital commented "The list is not all inclusive, but we wanted to ensure that we kept our client's expectations as low as possible in the event that they might expect Medevac services for care that we see as just routine."    Below are just a few samples of what's on the list.

Requires Medevac:

Persistent Jock Itch that does not respond to Lotrimin Jock Itch Cream and Spray.

Halitosis that won't go away despite daily routine of brushing at least twice a day, flossing, and eliminating coffee from your diet.

Athlete's Foot that persists after routine treatment of Desenex Antifungal Powder.

Urgent Care that cannot wait and will get worse if not seen ASAP in the States:

Lateral Epicondylitis also known as tennis elbow that does not improve after wrapping with ace bandage.

Heart Problems with no family history of heart problems.

Birthmark Moles that don't change in appearance, and that you have had all your life.

Routine Care that can wait until patient's next scheduled vacation:

Broken Arm that requires pins to reset bones.

Heart Problems with family history of heart problems. 

Melanoma found about a week after the Day at the Bay in the form of a mole the size of a basketball that has changed colors about 6 times.  

When asked about the list a local resident said, "We appreciate the hospital staff keeping the Medevacs to a minimum.  We wouldn't want a bunch of Medevac flights clogging up the runways and preventing our routine twice a week passenger flights from arriving and departing on time would we?"  

MWR GTMO Windjammer Restaurant, in An Effort to Become Only 4-Star Restaurant in Cuba, Narrows Menu Choices

It wasn't enough to be the only sit down restaurant on base open 7 days a week for the Management of the Windjammer restaurant.  Recently a decision was made to pursue the Michelin 4-Star rating for the restaurant.  As a result of this decision, the restaurant decided to narrow its menu choices.  In an interview with management, the restaurateurs said, "In keeping with recent GTMO traditions of reducing choices, we made the decision to emulate the flight and the O'Kelly's operations by reducing our hefty 4 page menu to 2 pages.  We did not make this choice lightly but felt our chef could better concentrate his efforts on achieving the coveted 4-Star rating by making these changes." 

Base residents took the change all in stride.  One base resident even said, "I wish them luck.  I'm looking forward to the day that the Windjammer doesn't run out of nachos.  That will definitely be worth 4-Stars to me."

C-130's Recent Strike to Protest FAAs Slow and Methodical Inspections/Tests of 737 MAX Hurts GTMO Travelers/Residents

The union of C-130 airplanes announced a strike this week.  The airplanes refused to fly to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba despite receiving numerous missions to pick up passengers stranded by Hurricane Dorian.  The C-130 spokesplane stated, "We must stand by our 737 MAX brothers who have been denied the right to fly since March, and we cannot stand idly by while the FAA attempts to repair its damaged reputation." 

When we asked an optimistic resident of GTMO, who had been stranded at a Naval Station along the East Coast about the strike, he said, "Although the strike may have cost me another month of leave and a boatload of money, I just want to thank the union of C-130s for starting the strike while I was here and not there.  As far as the FAA goes, I would like my luggage returned as soon as possible."

Nostalgic GTMO Residents, Upset Over the Decline in GTMO Beaters, Happy With Fewer Road Repairs

If you can say one thing about GTMO residents, they are very nostalgic.  They enjoyed the good old days when flights were prevalent and doors on cars were optional.  So it comes as no surprise that the residents of the base who have recently been upset with the decline in the number of GTMO beaters seen around the base, have expressed their happiness over the conditions of the roads on base.  One old-time resident interviewed said "How do you think the GTMO beater came into existence?  The longer we wait to fix our roads, the more vehicles like the Scooby Doo Mystery Machine, The Teenage Mutant Ninja Van, and The Van from the A-Team we see sitting in the NEX parking lot waiting for the next car buff to PCS onto the island to buy, fix, and then register them.   I mean come on we have to have something positive to remind us of the glory days here at GTMO."

Guantanamo Bay Reduces Number of Working Windmills in Support of The Administration's Efforts to Prevent Cancer and Improve Bird Population

Only one of the Guantanamo Bay windmills atop John Paul Jones Hill worked recently supplying some of the power to the community.  Historically the naval station has operated no more than 3 of the 4 windmills at any given time.  Many residents have wandered why all 4 windmills have never worked at the same time.

Recent communications from the administration may begin to shed light on the reasons for these windmills operating less often.  President Trump during a recent speech stated that noise from windmills causes cancer and that windmills presented a grave danger to birds.    As far as the birds of Guantanamo Bay are concerned, 14 out of 15 species of birds that live in the Guantanamo Bay area are increasing in population according to the Handbook of the Birds of the World website.  Of these birds only the Bee Hummingbird is considered nearly threatened, a category that is considered level 2 with level 8 being extinct.

On the issue of cancer, reports have surfaced over the years of members of the community suffering from cancer.  These reports totally ignored the noise from the windmills as a possible cancer-causing agent.  We can only thank the thoughtfulness of this administration who seems to have decided that the noise from the windmills just isn't worth the safety and welfare of the people in the community.  The GTMO community should be grateful that they have such a caring humanitarian who supports both the preservation of animals and the elimination of a cause of cancer in our community.

Boeing Tries Out Software Upgrade For 737 Max on GTMO to NAS JAX Flight, Says Takeoffs Were Flawless

In a bit of good news for Boeing 737 Max customers, the flight software worked flawlessly on the recent takeoffs from Naval Air Station Jacksonville, and Guantanamo Bay Naval Station.  Boeing reported no incidents on either takeoffs.  A Boeing spokesperson reported, "Well we are now confident that we can send the final copy of the software to the FAA for their review.  We tested the software on a 737-800 out of NAS JAX and Navy Station Guantanamo Bay, and we are pleased to report that we completed 2 back to back takeoffs with complete success."  

In related news the 737-800 out of Guantanamo Bay reported a rough landing at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba on 3 May 2019, and then the same plane skidded off the runway when landing at NAS JAX.  When asked about the landings, the Boeing spokesperson said, "We take the safety of our aircraft seriously.  We will participate fully with the investigation just like we did in the Indonesia incident.  We won't rest until we get to the bottom of this problem, but did you see those takeoffs?"